Coming Out & Finding Freedom- How I Became A Christian (Part I/ Version I)

At the age of 14 I first became aware that I had same-sex sexual attractions, an awareness that increased during adolescence. I don't exactly know how the attractions developed or what triggered them but I knew that I began to look at other boys in the kind of way that I was meant to be looking at girls. When my parents were informed of this their response was one of fear, shame, and disgust. For about a week they barely spoke to me and I was specifically warned by my father to never mention the problem with anybody else, out of fear that others might found out and use the information to slander our family name. It was reinforced to me that my sexuality was a matter of embarrassment, and my folks gave little comfort at a time when their support was needed the most.

As all those events unravelled I experienced bullying at the high school I attended, an ordeal which was so bad that I soon developed depression and became suicidal. I wanted to just be like the other boys and to fit in with everybody else but I was treated like an outsider, an odd-ball who was labelled 'a seedy faggot', a ‘poofter’, and other such names. It seemed to be the general consensus among others at school that I was someone who would never amount to anything, that I was just someone who deserved abuse and assault.
Eventually I left that high school and transferred to another; the second school had a fantastic pastoral care system in place, which was quite effective in looking after students. I soon made new friends, heard about being saved by Jesus Christ and having a personal relationship with God. At the same time, however, I wanted to explore my sexuality further and confided in the school counsellor about how to handle my homosexual orientation. As it turned out the counsellor wasn't a Christian -despite working for a Christian school- and he actually encouraged me to assume a homosexual identity and declare it publicly 'loud and proud'. The advice seemed to make sense at the time and for a year I 'came out of the closet' by revealing to fellow students that I was gay.
That year of outing was one of great heartache as non-Christians and Christians distanced themselves from me and said that God could never love and save disgusting homosexuals, a persecution that had the effect of encouraging me to further explore the gay life. Soon after my 18th birthday I attended the annual gay and lesbian mardi gras in Kings Cross; before going to the parade I thought that the mardi gras was an amazing display of human sexuality men but when I witnessed it first hand all I saw was an immoral, blasphemous, and degrading event. I thought it so obscene that it made me think twice about living the gay lifestyle for good and I wanted to know more about being in a relationship with God. That night God asked me to surrender my life to him instead of following my sexual desires, and I was eager to do so.

Soon after encountering the Sydney mardi gras, a Christian school mate began encouraging me to think about having a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Despite much cynicism at first, I was astounded at the thought that God had gone to any lengths to have a relationship with me by dying the death of a cross, especially since others were so quick to say that gay people could never be saved by a God of wrath and fire. After I read the New Testament it became obvious that God loved me so much and that he even saved wicked people such as prostitutes, liars, and murderers. Finally I became a Christian and gave my life over to Christ in my final year of school.

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My journey since coming to Christ has taken many different twists and turns, highs and lows that I had never imagined. God has been extremely generous with his blessings by providing a roof over my head, a stable job, and a wonderful Christian family to be encouraged by. Moreover, he’s blessed me with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms. Nevertheless, the salvation of the cross has not removed my same-sex attractions and so I continue to deal with the temptations of lustfulness and resisting the urge to act out sexually with other men. On top of that I have also been dealing with a strained relationship with my father (a problem which has existed since childhood) and other family strains.

Ironically though, one of the most difficult aspects of my walk with God has been relating to some Christians who have preferred to distance themselves from me because they didn’t know how to support me in my struggle with homosexuality. They seemed to think that a specialist trained in psychology was the 'number one answer', as if my problems were merely sexual. At one point a Christian staff worker at university distanced himself from me out of irrational fear that I may get 'too attached' and over-depenent on him and, ironically, he siphoned me off onto someone else like a used shoe. Unfortunately, many Christian brothers and sisters that I’ve encountered have missed the point that a Christian’s struggle with a homosexual orientation is not just a sexual, emotional, or psychological problem- it is a spiritual one. When I came across such people I was sorely tested to walk away from God because given that they did such a lousy job at representing his love.

In spite of these struggles however, God has been generous in pouring out his Holy Spirit to sustain me and providing Christian brothers and sisters to encourage me to keep going. Slowly- but surely!- God is performing his healing in my life and I have hope that one day God will bless me when he comes back again for overcoming sin (Revelation 21:7) . Temptations still surface and the process of healing has not always been easy (sometimes it is akin to an un-anaesthetised tooth extraction) but every moment with God has been worth it as he is shaping me in his likeness.One Bible verse that has always served as an apt reminder of God's goodness- a verse that brought me to faith - is 1 Corinthians 6:9-11: "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God".

For the past few years I have been set free by the death of Jesus to live no longer as a slave of sin, of lust and self, but instead to be a servant of God. He has declared me righteous and made me a citizen of heaven, like the adulterous woman who was to be stoned in John 8 for her sexual immorality. I can face every day though the joy given by God's grace and am empowered to live for him. I need not worry about the temptations of Satan or the Christians who walked away from me in a time of need, but can live every moment for God’s glory. I came out of the darkness of sin and walked into light of a right relationship with my maker.

* victory님에 의해서 게시물 이동되었습니다 (2012-12-16 21:31)